This week marks the end of an era; on Friday I will walk across the stage at my college graduation and receive the most expensive piece of paper I will ever own in my life (unless I decide to eventually go to grad school, but that’s an entirely different topic). I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m happy, but, above all, I’m terrified. Lately, when I tell people I’m graduating this week, their response is something along the lines of, “OH! How wonderful! So what are you doing after college?” Well sir/ma’am, that’s a great question. So great of a question that I don’t have an answer. Actually, I do have an answer: I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to experience all that I possibly can right now with the man of my dreams. Then, I want to land the perfect dream job and build a fabulous career, get married and start a beautiful family. There’s only one problem… what I want and what is actually going to happen are two very different things.
From a young age, we get these ideas in our heads of what we want to do and who we want to be. At 18 we’re supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives, but what they don’t tell you is that college is where you completely lose yourself and often don’t come out the same person as you came in as. I’m relatively the same person as I was when I started college, but I have changed so much even in the past six months. Most of this change is good brought on from good and bad experiences and lessons learned; however, I have grown more and more fearful throughout college. I have no idea where this fear has come from or why I have it, but I have struggled with it my whole life. The even bigger problem is that it’s not just one fear, it’s multiple and they fill my head on a daily basis. This is supposed to be the most exciting time of my life, and yet my anxiety holds me back from letting the happiness take over.
From snakes to clowns to losing people I love from death or some other God-forsaken circumstance, I know that so many people feel the exact same way I do. While I’m well aware that many people share the same fears that I do, I still feel so alone. Lately my biggest fear has really come to light with how much change I’m currently going through in life is the fear of failure. Ever since I was young I have been so terrified of failing in life and disappointing my parents and my loved ones; so much so that my anxiety tears me up inside regardless of how ridiculous my thoughts are. It’s almost as though I’m a prisoner in my own mind, unable to escape from the fears and anxieties.
Because of all of this and more, I’ve been relying on my faith immensely. There’s something so comforting knowing that there is an all-powerful God who loves you and is always on your side no matter what life throws your way. I grew up in the Catholic church, but I never knew how much all those years of Catholic education have paid off in my faith. Even after losing myself for a while, I know that I am welcomed back to God with open arms. This Bible verse, in particular, has really helped me get through this time: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10. Though I am continuing to work on bettering myself, everyday is a little better than the last with God as my light, and my friends and family by my side, everything is starting to look up.
Take care of each other and God bless.